Break up, is often an accident that takes us on the course of spiritual awakening. This article is a life saviour for people who are going through the pain of the breakup. Find out what Yoga, Tantric Buddhism, Hindu Tantra have to offer during this transition. Learn about the phases of withdrawal and recovery, tips on self-care, resources and even recommended daily practice.
Phases of Withdrawal and Recovery:
Most likely you will go through a period of phases.
– shock, denial
– anger, self-pity, fear
– sadness, depression
– ability to move on
Understand which phase you are at, and know that this too is going to pass. Usual prognosis is the it takes half of the times that you were in a relationship to fully recover from it. Of course there are exceptions. If you follow this program you will feel significantly better in 40 days and fully recover in 2 years. In fact, in two years you will probably feel better then ever before and will be able to find a real partner for yourself.
Absolute requirement to make this work:
– If the circumstances allow you: completely cut off communication with the person, at least for 40 days. It takes 40 days to break the habit
– Eliminate photos or ask a friend to password protect photos at least for 40 days, or may be more
– Eliminate connection through FB account, block their email address
– Try to block their telephone number through the phone company
– Eliminate and burn ex-s belongings in a ritual
Rename the Ex:
One of the things that works amazingly well is to rename the person that you broke up with. The new name that you come up with should express the place of this person in your world right now. As you rename the person, only use the new name when thoughts about this person come.
The new name can be anything, whatever aspect of the person you found the most unacceptable.
Unleash the Feelings – 3 Days on the Couch
It is a contra-intuitive but magical technique, which is best used right after the break up or the news of the break up occur and you start to come out of the state of shock.
The technique is very simple: for 3 days straight, do absolutely nothing and stay on your couch. Think about anything you want, cry all you want, yell all you want. You are not allowed to contact anybody or distract yourself by anything: no reading, writing, etc
Despite all spiritual practice that you are doing, during this technique you are allowed to feel anything towards your ex – anger, hatred, etc.
Crying your heart out
Watching the Abyss
Everything goes. This is the first step of recovery.
Take care of the Physical Aspect:
In spite of the fact, that you might want to neglect yourself, and punish yourself, and make yourself feel even more miserable, this is THE TIME to take care of your health. Love withdrawal can be as hard as heroin withdrawal. When your heart has been broken, you aura is totally thin and weak. Usually, there are breaks in the aura. The magnetism is low, your love is not nurturing the organs from inside – they are hurting, freezing, becoming dull, etc. These are the conditions which first manifest on the astral level, but eventually can bring real physical illness. Sometimes this illness can become become very serious.
Taking care of your health can prevent you from getting sick. If at first you do not have enough strength to do the exercises yourself, let yourself get help in a form of treatments.
Exercises, Asanas and Pranayama
– Take a lot of showers, water will flow the old energy away
– Nadi Shodana
– Irradiator of Negativity
– Hatha Yoga
– Kundalini Yoga
(You can google this asanas and practices)
– Swimming (by far one of the best activities)
– Ayurvedic Shirodhara
– Ayurvedic Massage with coconut oil
– Marma Massage
– St. John’s Wart Tea
– Brahmi Tea and Oil
– Triphala (Ayurvedic principle – bringing your doshas (natural elements) in balance will balance your mind.)
– Fish Oil
– Coconut Water
– Burn sandal wood and sage every day
This will keep the low spirits away, and provide additional very powerful healing
Note: If you are overweight, this is a fantastic time to bring yourself into the shape that will express who you are better and also make you feel really good about yourself. You might be craving comfort foods, like sweets, bread, ice cream and everything else which will remind your of mother’s breasts. This is not the time to self-destruct further. This is a process of your recovery. You might as well make it comprehensive.
Ayurveda recommends eating warm liquid goods, always drink warm water, and balance your doshas (triphala – you can get it at Wholefoods). If you need to lose a lot of weight, add Haritaki.
– Surround yourself with positive people only (people who make you feel better after you are done communicating with them)
– Chose music, literature and movies which are all bringing expansion of the mind and independence. (You can look at our list of recommended literature)
COMPONENTS OF YOUR RECOVERY
Emotional Pain Management
Sometimes, the pain of the breakup is so deep, that it becomes difficult to breath, and the pain just overwhelms you like a wave. Breathing through the pain is a technique that will show you that you are managing the situation.
If you feel a wave of pain coming in, number one
1. REMEMBER THAT PAIN WILL GO AWAY
2. START BREATHING DEEPLY THROUGH THE PAIN
Overcoming Sexual Dependency
Sometimes we feel a specific dependency on a sexual contact with another person. This contact might make us feel vibrant, alive, happy. In case of a breakup it is possible to experience severe withdrawal symptoms, even on a physical level.
There are different ways to deal with sexual withdrawal. When you feel the discomfort or horror of this withdrawal:
– Just observe what is happening in the body. If you feel the hunger in your cells, do not wish for it to continue or go away, just concentrate on your breath. If you have a positive sensation, also just concentrate on your breath, not wishing for this to continue.
– You can use a service of a professional tantric healing provider to reprogram your body. You have to now teach your body how to receive and interact with an energy other than your ex.
– If you masturbate use imagine having an encounter with a diety, Shiva or Shakti to further liberate your subconscious mind of the dependency. Then your masturbation will also be your meditation.
– If tantric professional is too much for you, receive energy healing and massages. It is incredibly helpful to let healer project their healthy template onto you.
– Express and expand you sexuality onto nature. Touch trees, animals, textures
– Use your the energy of sexual fire to create abundantly, whether it is writing, crafts or business ideas
Understanding of the Grounding Triangle
Usually we get into the old patters, being attracted to people who are not very healthy for us. Sometimes, these people resemble of most troubled parent. It happens because when you see somebody who reminds you of a person who used to get your adrenalin going. It just “hits home”.
Most of our relationship are the old stories that we are reliving to understand something and liberate something within ourselves.
Learning your lessons, identifying patterns is the gold that is left after a relationship. If you do not learn any lessons you will continue on the same circle over and over, again and again.
Why were you attracted to this person?
What was in common that your previous lovers had?
Does it remind you of something or somebody in your family?
Are these the qualities that you lack and would like to have yourself?
What did you learn from the lesson of being attracted to a person with these qualities?
Parting with a Dream – Finding your Center
Sometimes it is easier to physically part with a person that to part with a Dream that you have constructed for yourself in this relationship. Examine your dream. Were you living and constantly looking forward to something? Were you really seeing the person as the person was, you were you idealizing this person? Were you ignoring certain obvious signs?
Dreams can be beautiful and deep, yet they are dreams, and they are unstable. Any dream can easily turn into a nightmare. It is our power of meditation to find inner silence, stillness and spaciousness and see the nets of relationships as they are: changing nets of dreams. This is a way to find your center. Once you become established in this practice, you will always be able to reach that state of centeredness when you need it.
Question your core believes, and question if they are helpful. Beliefs can be like this
1. Love is forever
2. I must not hurt my parents’s feelings or children’s feelings at all cost
3. Love can endure anything
4. When relationship is over it is a sign of weakness.
Ask where these believes are coming from? Parents? Religion? Intuition?
Do you still believe in it the way you are today and after everything that you learned?
Do you want to have these believes?
If you do not contact an NLP professional who will help you work on destructive believes and/or come to tantric practice.
This will be a part of your withdrawal symptoms. That is when your conscious mind lets go of the relationship, but the subconscious mind is still holding on, or we can say that your Heart is still holding on. This is natural and a part of the process of moving on. Usually your inner child is taking over at this point and you feel sorry for yourself. Mostly thinking about your expectations of the relationship and how the expectations turned sour. You are feeling abandoned and rejected, alone and cut away from everything. You are missing one person, but it seems to you that the whole world is missing.
Depression is a byproduct of anger, fear and hopelessness. As you work on them, depression will be lifted.
– If depression is severe you might want to consult a doctor
– Look closely – it is the pain from this relationship or the pain left over from the past?
– Go deep into you real pain and your real fears and stay there. It is next to the darkest darkness that we find the lightest light.
Facing your fears with Tantra
Fear of Being Alone.
Fear of Being a Failure
Fear of Suffering
Fear of Death
Each of us is not a separate entity. We are a spirit in a body. Our spirits are always connected. We are never alone. We are always connected on the soul level. There is no death – only transformation, a spiral path to liberation
We should go into the darkest and stay with the scariest to become fearless and find liberation. We will be suffering and going through different lessons until the liberation is reached. As long as we are clinging to our desires and trembling from our fears, suffering will be always coming in this way or that way. This lesson was inevitable, just like all the other lessons, which inspire you to become spiritually awakened to the deep realization that you are much bigger than you think, that your interests and desires can be and should be expanded and transformed, that instead of centering on your own pleasure you can channel and radiate in every place with every person – and love will be going through you just as well. When we concentrate on our own fragile, impermanent and vulnerable happiness, suffering always follows. As we come closer to liberation, we feel that we are forgiven, that suffering is no longer necessary.
Every one of us is channeling masculine energy (Shiva) and feminine energy (Shakti). We are combinations of that. In our dance we enjoy interactions with some specific combinations of energy, but there are so many of them. As we are able to clear our own complexities and made up interfaces of dealign with the world, the energy starts to flow through the central channel. We become aligned within our mind, heart and body and things become much easier. So many men and women can channel these energies for us.
So many forms and entities in the world can channel that pure love. As you practice tantra you can establish your connection with Shiva (male) in everything transcendental in nature, and with Shakti (dance of nature) and be complete. You will not need to receive this channeling from other people. You will have your own Shiva and your own Shakti. You will need nothing. You will love from abundance and you will expect nothing. You will not need approval or disapproval, you will not need negative or positive judgement. If your ego needs nothing, nothing can hurt you.
As you practice tantra you will learn to be easy about your desires. When you experience desire, there will be no additional fear that the desire might not be fulfilled. You will come into any relationship with lightness, playfulness and openness – just wandering if you and this another person can fly together. If you cannot, it is OK, because you already know how to fly by yourself.
The love stays. Even if you broke up in a horrible way. The love will stay forever in your heart, in your dreams, in your soul. The hurt, the anger, the fear will go away. The divine nature of it will remain. Because it is your nature. You are love.
Rebuilding Your Identity
1. You have to restore your self-esteem. What is important is that your own validation of yourself should come first. Adopt an attitude of self-acceptance and unconditional self-love. That means that you are understanding that you are a worthy person despite your shortcomings.
2. Focus on your specific attributes. That enhances your self-worth.
3. Spend time around people who affirm you.
4. Stop trying to be perfect. We are all perfectly imperfect, that is the point of our uniqueness. Everybody is born under unique celestial body combination with unique lines on their palm.
5. Think of an ideal mother and become that for yourself. Think of an ideal father and become that for yourself. Adopt yourself.
6. Stand up for yourself. Start setting limits. Leaning to say “No”.
7. Express your opinions
8. Walk away if you feel any neglect or abuse
9. No longer apologize when you have not done anything wrong.
10. Identify a resource that you need to raise your self-steems at moments and periods when you are cut off from your resourceful state. For example this resource can be “courage” or “self love”. Create an anchor for yourself, like a symbol (an image, a word) which you use to bring yourself into a higher state. For me it was Statue of Liberty, that I associated myself with, or Wings, that I felt behind my back.
11. Cutting Astral Cords (Imagine that the cords that are tying you to the person are cut)
11. Finding Your Voice: Writing Morning Page, Expressing through Dance, Song, Photography, Filming
12. Writing down your dreams
13. Remember who you are. Finish these sentences:
The main thing about me is…
I feel most like me when…
I will be…
I get angry when…
I feel happiest when…
What I like the most about myself is…
On a rainy day I like to…
I feel the strongest when…
Forgiving means complete understanding. There are different levels of understanding, which will appear as you go through the spiral of your spiritual development. As we a forgiving others on deeper and deeper levels we are forgiving ourselves. As we are forgiving ourselves, our soul becomes light, like we passed through a Judgement Day.
One of ways to look at others is to understand deeply that we are similar in the way that
1. We are want to be happy
2. We all try to avoid unhappiness
(This is where equanimity meditation comes in, you can find it in this book: http://www.amazon.com/dp/0861711629?tag=ashplu-20&camp=213381&creative=390973&linkCode=as4&creativeASIN=0861711629&adid=0QE3F59W3YRYN38X7WFR&) We are similar in the way, and we can relate. Depending on their nature/nurture/karma from previous lives and other environmental factors different people are able to feel happy from different things in life. Some are happy to love, others are happy to run from love. Most of the time, it is not their choice. They too have to go through a certain amount of suffering over the lifetimes to become free, fully concious and loving. This is a natural process of evolution of consciousness.
Going through an interaction with this person gave you are lot of suffering, and it also showed you a lot of things about yourself. Something you did before, vibrations in your soul that were supposed to play – old karma – made you get into this relationship. The universal law of cause and effect – is the reason for this relationship and this break up. Something caused this. What will follow it, is up to you. This IS the freedom of conscious choice. This is the indicator of our spiritual grown: how conscious we are of what we chose, why we chose, why we do and say things? Every lesson, if interpreted well and understood makes us more aware, more conscious. Does it also make you bitter? If the process of recovery is unconscious, if you are trying to get rebound sex, or distract yourself with other dependencies and addictions – it might. It can make you numb, frozen and deaf. That is why it is so important to grow a real rose out of the crack in your heart instead of putting a bandade on it.
May be it made you naked. Love has this quality of making us naked. This person’s soul on sove level agreed to become this great teacher for you, even if is was not pleasant for this soul. It really is not pleasant to hurt other people. As we are one, hurting other people is like hurting oneself.
You reacted to this person so strongly, because it was YOUR lesson. Acknowledge this ingenious divine plan, and forgive. As you come closer and closer to full recovery you will be able to feel real gratefulness towards this person, fully understanding the lessons learned.
In this situations we often think “Why did it happen to me? This is unfair”. And sometimes, when the situation is really painful it can shatter our faith.
1. Remember Kali !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2. Surrender part of your responsibility to the wisdom of the universe. Becoming humble.
3. You are not alone. Meditate on God in any spirit:
walking with you
talking to you
giving your strength
helping you forgive
It is a spiritual practice by itself when you are accepting what you cannot change, and changing your attitude toward it. Breakup is also a way to become stronger in our spiritual standing and under-standing.
Make a Plan for Every Day
– Morning Pages (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
– The best strategy is to get involved in something with a good cause. It brings empowerment and support of a group
– Karma Yoga – Keep busy, serve the community of others
– Stay close to your friends, to reassurance, to get advice, to remind you how you were before the relationship, for reassurance, to listen to – you
– Do something new
– Surprise yourself
– Challenge yourself to do something you could not do before and do it
– Practice lucid dreaming or Tibetan Dream Yoga (http://www.amazon.com/dp/1559391014?tag=ashplu-20&camp=213381&creative=390973&linkCode=as4&creativeASIN=1559391014&adid=140SXGZMK72VAZD0KJYW&)
THE MAGIC OF TANTRA
Take Tantra workshops during which you will be restoring your mind-body connections:
1. Learning to receive again
2. Re-alignment of intent, heart, spirit and sex
3. Feeling your intuition, boundaries, living from the belly. Learning to trust yourself again
4. Understanding that giving and receiving is the same thing
5. Learning how to set boundaries
6. Full forgiveness by having your partners channel the previous abuser and seeing their divine source
7. Leaning to love your neighbor as yourself, not More than yourself.
8. Getting support from people of your own gender
9. Releasing old patters – Before a new relationship, you have to establish a loving relationship with yourself. Know exactly what you do not want. Stop marrying your mother/father.
10. Learning to receive masculine/feminine energy from a variety of people. A truly liberating experience.
Meta Meditation (http://www.vipassana.com/meditation/facets_of_metta.php)
Forgiveness Meditation – Hono Pono Ono (http://yogaofalignment.com/2009/05/20/hooponopono-i-love-you-im-sorry-please-forgive-me-thank-you/)
Morning Pages (http://paperartstudio.tripod.com/artistsway/id3.html)
David Burn’s Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy
Tibetan Dream Yoga
(We will add Music and Movies later)
Workshops that can be helpful:
Family Constellation (www.annieblockpearl.com NY)
Vipassana (just google it, it is everywhere and it is free)
Jelle Bode workshops in France (http://www.margotanand.com/schedule_master.html)
Galiana Retreat (USA http://www.galianaretreat.com)
International Academy of Consciousness (http://www.iacworld.org/)
Note on Love Addiction:
A person with the following symptoms is probably a love addict. If you feel that you might be that, the process of recovery had to become constant and very active to make sure that you will not get into the same pattern again:
– has a fear of being alone
– has a fear of being independent
– bonds too quickly and too tightly
– clings to people and cannot let go
– feels rejected when somebody needs “space”
– is caught up in the lives of others
– is a caretaker
– copes with abuse
– has no sexual boundaries
– needs constant reassurance from her partner that he is there
– protects other people from negative feelings
– if reassured that things are going well, asks for more.
If you find many of these symptoms in yourself, i would recommend to work further on love addition and dependency in relationships.
I have been a love addict myself, and followed a usual pattern of love addiction till I was 28 years old. With the help of the above mentioned techniques and tantra I was able to greatly reduce my dependency and have healthy relationships base on emotional availability from both partners, honesty, trust and loving kindness.
You can live without him (her)
The pain of ending it won’t last forever. In fact, it won’t last nearly as long as the pain of not ending it.
You are a whole and valuable person apart from that relationship.
He/she is not the “one and the only”.
If you end this relationship you will be opening your life to new possibilities.
Everything has a beginning (Spring) and the end (Winter) for another cycle (Year) to start.
One must end for another to start
Crisis is another name for possibility.